Communication & Social Skills

#1 Communication Skills

A deep interaction leaves us feeling satisfied, light and full. To have intimate friends, find those who have a long attention span. A good communicator can stay present and listen while their partner opens gently. How we communicate speaks volumes about the degree of mutuality. It is satisfying to expose ourselves and be received by our friends.

Seek to be with those who can listen as well as share. Find friends who are interested in each other’s lives.

There is a distinct difference between merely social conversations and those between kindred spirits. With intimate friends, small talk is minimal. Communication involves doing activities together that are far more bonding than just talking. We are always communicating who we are with our words and actions.

It is unrealistic to expect every conversation to be mutual and balanced. When interacting, ask yourself:

Is this person listening? Are they interested in me?

Do we need to find topics of mutual interest?

What percentage of my words has meaning to them?

Do they ask questions about me?

Effective communication begins with expressing yourself in ways that convey exactly what you mean. The other person then does the best they can to understand my intention.

Watch the pictures forming in your mind as a person speaks. Find out how well the picture sent resembles the one received. Ask for clarification to see if communication is clear.

Conversation doesn’t always equal companionship. We’ve all observed that many people are more willing to talk about themselves than they are to listen to another. They are excited when they share, but their energy drops when someone else opens their mouth. It’s as if their bodies remain but their minds go to distant lands. This isn’t really conversing; rather they are just using up the free attention wherever they can find it. When you get two people doing it, their conversation become a competition for who wins the attention and air time.

How tragic it is when people talk at each other and no one listens. If two people cannot have a mutual exchange, they are unlikely to be mutual friends. Create dialogues where we share the attention creatively rather than subjecting each other to monologues.

#2 Keys to Opening Communication

Approachability: How can you demonstrate to others that you are open to beginning a conversation? How you greet someone gives them important clues. A welcome mat invites people in

Attitudes: Which attitudes foster better communication?

Curiosity: The master key of communication is curiosity.

Customizing: How can you individualize the communication to the wants and desires of the listener?

Differences: It is easy to communicate about topics of mutual interest. Practice exposing yourself t unusual people and topics.

Empathy: When we become attuned to the feelings being expressed, doors usually open wide.

Facts & Feelings: What is the mix of facts and feelings both parties want?

Humor: A good sense of humor can open a rusty lock.

Keys: What are the keys that open you?

Needs: Which of the speaker’s needs are hopefully being met as a result of the interaction?

Pace: People open up at different speeds.

Patience: Give the gift of your full attention for as long as the speaker needs.
Receptivity: What can you do to increase a person’s willingness to be influenced by you?

Relationship: What level of intimacy do both parties desire? Revealing one’s inner self strengthens the bond of friendship.

Safety: What promotes or discourages a sense of safety?

Shared Experiences: Explore which life experiences you have in common.

Style: How can you adapt your style of communication to better match that of the speaker or listener?

Time: How much time do both parties wish to invest? The more you like the topic and the person the more satisfying the conversation.

Tone of Voice: The sound of one’s voice is the key to opening hearts and minds.

Topics: What are the top ten topics that you prefer to discuss? Find out what are others’ favorites. What are the topics of mutual interest?

Virtues: Which qualities – like respect, acceptance and trust – are required to open the inner doors of communication?

Words: What are the words that have meaning and value to the speaker? What words or phrases do they tend to repeat?

#3 Communication Agreements

Review this list of agreements and identify the ones
you want to enrich. I agree to:

hold myself accountable for my actions
acknowledge what is important to others
develop actions plans to enrich communication
agree to disagree
make and keep communication agreements
regularly express sincere appreciation
be assertive when necessary
maintain a long attention span
actively seek to discover blind spots
read body language of others
keep promises to maintain confidentiality
avoid unnecessary conflict
seek to resolve conflicts as they arise
offer constructive criticism
be sincerely curious
customize communication to each individual
honor differences in personalities
admit when I am being difficult
discuss challenging issues
be direct and honest
be skilled at emotional self-defense
express painful and pleasurable emotions
be fully engaged
accept full responsibility for emotional choices
recognize when reacting out of fear
be receptive to exchanging feedback
switch from fear to flow
practice enlightened self-interest
be aware of different styles between the genders
practice being graceful
remove any hostility from my communications
have a warmhearted sense of humor
seek ways to be inclusive
be open to being influenced by others
hold self to a high level of integrity

accurately interpret the intentions of others
avoid interrupting others
use good judgement vs being judgemental
take a leadership role in conscious communication
consistently improve my listening skills
look for the meaning behind the words
examine the motivations behind communications
be receptive to the needs of others
remove negativity in my communication
communicate in a nourishing manner
be a keen observer of others’ communication styles
remain open to a wide range of ideas
seek out others who have a different point of view
remain present when others are communicating
search for ways to prevent problems
ask questions when needing clarification
enhance my relationship skills
respect the rights of others
take responsibility for my role in communication
engage in positive self-talk
explore ways to improve self-esteem
be sensitive to the needs and feelings of others
be supportive of new ideas
adapt to a wide range of communication styles
define what success means for myself
summarize accurately
possess qualities of a team player
monitor tone of voice during communications
find topics of mutual interest
use respectful touch in communication
remove any trash talking
understand the feelings and ideas of others
make mental & emotional U-Turns
be aware of the effects of virtues and vices
make wise investments of my time and energy
carefully select the words I use

#4 Indirect to Direct Communication

ambiguous to explicit
blunt to diplomatic
conceal to reveal
closed to open
coded to candid
deceive to truthful
double speak to honest
double meanings to upfront
exaggerate to exact
evasive to forthright
euphemisms to plain spoken
fuzzy to clear
general to succinct
implied to spelled out
imprecise to concise
inaccurate to correct
inauthentic to genuine
intimidating to tactful
misleading to factual
obtuse to astute
oblique to obvious
overly polite to sincere
passive to outspoken
repressed to expressive
round about to straightforward
sugarcoating to no-nonsense
vague to frank
verbose to short

#5 Effective Communication

Skills
sees both sides of an issue
acknowledges what has been said
appreciates person for sharing
waits till finished before responding
balances listen and sharing
clearly express thoughts and feelings
gives recognition and esteem
speaks directly and simply
engages sense of humor
able to stay on topic
seeks to understanding your meaning
honest when not interested in subject
agrees to disagree
asks questions for clarification
listens in a friendly manner
encourages the flow of information
able to discuss difficult issues
fosters mutual respect
receptive to verbal and nonverbal com.
exchanges constructive feedback
sensitive to the feelings of others

Kills Communication
judging
blaming
debating
arguing
intimidating
ignoring
gossiping
interrupting
preaching
lecturing
nagging
complaining
pushing
demanding
projecting
lying
fighting
awfulizing
generalizing
shoulding
sulking

#6 T.I.P.P.S.

Ask yourself is this the right…

Time

Intention

Person

Place

Style

#7 Communications & Actions

Sounds, gestures and actions were the mode of communication before humans used words. Actions remain the major component of our communication message.

Here a few statements for reflection and discussion:

At times our actions speak louder than words, tone of voice and body language combined.

“How I feel is expressed by how I act.”

Thoughts, attitudes and beliefs are transformed into our deeds.

Your actions speak for you.

Strengthen your integrity by acting on your principles and priorities.

Establish trust when others see you making and keeping agreements.

Decisions you make unconsciously and consciously affect how you meet your needs, wants and desires.

Your actions provide an opportunity for others to observe your emotions in motion.

Changing your actions will change your message.

We teach better by our example than by our words.

We believe the words when we see the actions.

A kind word is the sweetest when followed by a kind deed.

The goal is to have your actions clearly communicate your message with the best chance of being received the way you intended.

Action Plans:

Review your actions of the past week. What do they say about you?

How can you make an improvement in alignment between your thoughts, feelings and actions?

Request feedback on the your actions that others appreciated as well as actions with unintended consequences.

Just like words, tone and body language, actions can also be misinterpreted. When observing the actions of others, do a reality check to make sure you have correctly read their actions.

Watch what you do and do not do.

Your Insights:

#8 Constructive Feedback

Advice
I would like to offer some advice on…

Suggestion
I have a suggestion.

Dislike
I dislike this behavior…

Recommendation
I have a recommendation.

Disagree
I disagree with…

Challenge
I want to challenge that idea.

Request
I request a change.

Opinion
I have an opinion on.

Difficulty
I am have difficulty with…

Blind spot
I see a potential blind spot.

Impact
I see a negative impact.

Invite
I invite you to consider…

Information
I have information I wish to share.

Discussion
I would like to open a discussion on…

Offer
I would like to offer my point of view

Truth
This is the truth as I see it.

Preference
I prefer…

Carefrontation
I care, I have some thoughts and feelings I would like to share with you.

#9 Communication Action Plan

Communication is 50% understanding words and tone of voice plus 50% reading body language. We need to become good listeners and good lookers!

COMMUNICATION:

Expresses Ideas Clearly
Listens for Understanding
Receptive to Feedback
Long Attention Span
Sensitive to Feelings
Honors Different Styles
Reads Nonverbal Clues
Engaging
Positive Self-Talk
Prevents Breakdowns

Evaluate your skill level in this inventory category on a scale from 1 to 10.

Which skill do you want to strengthen at this time?

Which skill is too low and causing you problems?

#10 Social Skills Action Plan

Social Skills

Likable, Warm & Friendly
Welcoming & Inclusive
Compassionate
Caring, Kind & Generous
Appreciative
Supportive
Accepting
Forgiving
Understanding & Empathetic
Builds Quality Relationships